Some Updates of 2011

It’s been ages since I blogged on something. I remember I used to blogged profusely when I was unhappy or sad over something, most of the time over relationship issues. Something changed in 2011. I am no longer the emotional, sentimental guy that I was for the past ‘dunno how many years’. I guessed my career has taken a large chunk of my life now. It is extremely tiring but finally it’s starting to pay off. My ‘wacky and daring’ adventure of venturing out to the oil palm industry has finally brought me a tinge of satisfaction.

My career move to Genting in January 2011 was a major turning point in my life. I have regained my confidence from my youth, my flair from the past and most importantly, job satisfaction. Yes, it is extremely exhausting with all the travelling and multitasking but I am loving the challenges ahead.

I am glad that I have managed to prove many people wrong! The more I  look back now at my life, many of the traits and strengths that I have grown to have is strongly inclined to my family and my school. When I lead my team now, I look back at all the leadership skills I learned from SPI. When I need to be compassionate and understanding, I look back to my time in PLC and recalled all the bittersweet moments. When I need to be competitive and driven, I look back at my sports achievements from the past.

It seriously matters! A good word here and there do wonders to people around us. Let’s hope I can use this positivity to light up the life of others and inspire myself to greater heights. I never believe in handing down shit, if I was handed down shit! I believe in helping people along the way and eventually, the essence of teamwork and camaraderie will shine through!

Just my two cents! LTF is back!!!!

2011 and beyond…

It’s been a long time since I blogged something and perhaps, many things have clouded my mind since I left Penang. After a little more than a year or so, I have managed to adapt as an agronomist from an engineering background. To be honest, I never worried much about my career. I always had the confidence that I would be able to be rather successful.

Many things have changed in the past year or so.  For someone who used to look forward to getting hitch and having kids and growing old together, I am becoming less and less confident about the marriage institution. Hey, don’t get me wrong! I  am happy when I see my friends happily getting married. But, finding the ‘one’ proves to be extremely elusive. Women nowadays are hard to please. I have spent much of my adult life trying to make other people happy that I somehow, forgot about myself. My own happiness, my own survival, my own motivations and my own objectives.

Call me naive but I used to think that finding the right person, living happily ever together could be food for the soul. But, reality hits me when money can always nourish the soul in many ways possible. Here I am, supposedly at the prime of my life, wondering whether I will ever find happiness being together with someone.

Something is lacking in my life. And its the simple things in life. Happiness, laughter, sense of humour.

I am lucky enough to have a house now, a good job, loving family… but what is that final ingredient?

I hope 2011 will be a much better year for me! I owe it to myself! I owe it to my family!

God Bless!

Is it worth it?

This is my first blog after a long, long time! First blog since I once again admitted that I am a failure in love. Now, I am embarassed to admit that I am struggling with work. It’s a pity when I am beginning to like the job, somehow I am struggling with the people. It seems to me like I am public enemy no.1 and I really do not know the reason. Or, maybe I do know the reason, but perhaps, too stubborn to acknowledge that as the reason? I suck at making small talks. I cringe at making small conversations in a group of people. Not that I don’t want to. I am not a natural in it. Why are people so judgemental in a short period of time? Why can’t they accept the uniqueness of a person?

It’s beginning to take its toll on me. It’s beginning to make me all fired up inside and I have nobody to turn to. It doesn’t help today when I saw GK’s wedding photos. She looked fantastic and happy. And, I finally realized the magnitude of my indiscretion 3 years back. When will my happily ever after come? Why do I always get played out after putting my heart and soul into everything? I feel dead inside. I feel my inner self rotting away. The confidence eroding day by day, with every single shunting or incident playing in my head for hours.

I am treading in dangerous waters now. All I am asking for is some understanding and compassion. For goodness sake, I went from a very comfortable job, a job where I commanded respect from my peers and superiors into a job where I know nothing at first and to top it all up, breaking up 2 weeks into my new job, in a new city and environment. Gimme a break! I am only human! Can’t you all see I am suffering in silence? I am not freaking arrogant! I am just freaking tired inside trying to juggle the new job and my emotional mess.

I don’t need a whole load of understanding. A kind word here and there. A show of concern. Anything!! I feel like a freaking ‘pariah’ sometimes! Heck, I think I am already the ‘pariah’. I long for my ex-colleagues. I long for lunch with mentor and WC. I long for pantry sessions with EL! Heck, I even miss my 1:1 with my ex-boss! 

Is this change for a better future all worth it? Is it all worth it when you feel ridiculed and laughed at almost every single time? Is it all worth it when people just interrupt your conversation just like that? Is it all worth it when people just leave you for dead when you are gasping for help and air in a hike? YES, I am no more in my prime condition! But, I would have stayed back to accompany anyone who was struggling.

Now, I just smile and say I am ok! I don’t know who to turn to, who to trust and who to confide. All I know is, there is a burning rage inside me to prove people wrong. I only need that ONE rock in my life. And now, I am feeling extremely alone in this battle. A losing battle that I do not know whether I have the energy to continue.

No matter how lucrative the future may look. I may just one day give up! The emotional torture is killing me. And, I do not want to suffer from depression!

Failure Again

I failed again. I wonder when will my happy ever after come. Maybe, it will never even come. Maybe it’s God’s way of telling me, brother, you better get used to living your life alone!

It’s painful. It has drained me out in many ways. I guess life has to go on. Again, I am stuck in this dilemma. What should I do from here? I wish I could go to a faraway place and become another person. Change my identity and start from zero.

In many ways, I am beginning to get sick of being myself. Sick of why is it have to be me! Sick of the expectations, sick of the glares, sick of ‘oh, you haven’t gone overseas’ kinda look.

I always wonder why something so simple can go so wrong. Is it so hard to love? Is it so hard for me to be loved for who I am? I do not want to be this self doubting fool. But, in a way, it’s killing me inside!

They say time will heal things. I am walking down this path, not for the first time. And, yes. I do envy people who have great relationships. Maybe, I should seek counselling! Maybe, I should just get away!

What should I do? I feel so alone! Help! Help!

I’m just ranting. I have not blogging much on personal issues because I didn’t want it to be out in the open. I guess I just can’t help it now.

Silly Transfer Season

The new English Premier League season is about a month away but this summer’s transfer dealings has been mind blowing, to say the least. Perhaps, it is Real Madrid who is stealing the show with a spending spree of 200 million Euros has set all tongues wagging in their quest for project ‘Galactico’ Part 2. As of now, they have snapped up Karim Benzema, Raul Albiol, Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo. It is certainly fantasy football at it’s very best, but beware, Zinedine Zidane, possibly the best player we have seen in the past decade or so, gave credit to Claude Makalele for all the attractive successful football during the period of Perez’s first reign at the club. At the moment, they do not have a ‘Makalele’ type of player. And, with all the expectations bulging with the escalated transfer fees, there will be tonnes of pressure for them to perform, right from the off and it doesn’t help to have the best team in the world playing in the same domestic league as you. One thing’s for sure, nobody would want to miss ‘El Classico’ next season.

Liverpool unveiled their first major signing this season in Glen Johnson. From the first words that has been said so far, he looks a top bloke. Not many players would hide their pride and move to a relatively weaker club in search of first team football. And, it was at Portsmouth that he finally played to his fullest potential. He could have so easily stayed on at Chelsea and lived on his wages, perhaps following the footsteps of a certain Mr. Winston Bogarde. Let’s hope he will provide the injection of pace down the right flank with his swashbuckling and lung bursting runs and if he can cross the ball half decently, he knows he has Senor Torres to tuck it in for him. With the right flank rather settled, I think we need another attacking player, a creative force in the mold of Luis or even Yossi. The wishlist could be endless but judging by the current transfer climate, and the steepness of the transfer fees, it would hard to imagine Liverpool signing Ribery, Silva or even David Villa. Even young English talents like Ashley Young and Gabby Agbonlahor will not come cheap with their clubs probably unwilling to sell. But, I trust that Rafa will make at least one more signing and with most of our first teamers agreeing to new contracts, there should be a level of stability in the squad.

But, our centre midfielders are now highly in demand. It’s a catch 22 situation and I think it really depends on the 2 players. I don’t think we can afford to lose either one of them because 1) they have been brilliant for Liverpool, 2) there are not many world class centre midfielders in the world right now, even with a large bank account and 3) the few world class midfielders eg, Xavi and Iniesta would be almost unattainable. I wish they will stay but there is no point keeping players who are not focussed. It would eventually affect the morale of the squad. Let’s hope there will be an amicable solution with a possible win-win scenario. Perhaps, if Gareth Barry chose Liverpool over Man City, we could afford to lose one of either Xabi or Masch, but his apparent appetite for more cash dimmed his claim of ‘I will only leave Aston Villa for Champions League football’ redundant. Man City, is the English version of Real Madrid. They will spend and reinforce their squad, but the pressure to perform will be immense. And if all their transfer targets come through, I would be looking forward to see how Mark Hughes keep Robinho, Roque, Eto’o and Tevez happy. Remember, he couldn’t even keep Jo, Elano and Robinho in control last season.

And what is a blog post about football without a mention on Liverpool’s rivals. In short, Man Utd has been snubbed by a few players this summer. It could be not true, but I would never have imagine players would have the gall to snub Man Utd for any other team and that includes Real Madrid. To be honest, joining Real Madrid is definitely more of a risk than Man Utd. Yes, it is an interesting project, but sometimes not all that starts well, ends well. Man Utd have lost a big chunk of their goals when they lost Cristiano and Carlos. And if Sir Alex thinks Michael ‘Judas’ Owen or Gabriel Obertan are the solutions, I will be smiling with glee. But, I am sure the wily old fox will have something up  his sleeves. That I am pretty sure. But, with or without Ronaldo and Tevez, Man Utd will still be the favourites to win the domestic title. Let’s hope Liverpool will run them close again.

Chelsea signed Zhirkov. I quite like his style of play when it came to prominence during Euro 2008, playing as left wingback in Hiddink’s formation. I am not sure who else will arrive but at the moment, I think they would need to sort of the JT situation. Chelsea cannot lose John Terry, as Liverpool cannot lose Steven Gerrard. And if they do lose JT, I think they would struggle this season. The Gunners seem to not have the cash to spend. And reports have said that a Fabregas deal can be negotiated at 4o million pounds! For me, that is too low. I think Arsenal would be foolish to let go Fabregas at that price. And, who can they buy to replace? Nobody is available! And with the lightweight midfield they have, how can they cope with the physicality of the EPL?

Whatever happens, it will be an extremely exciting season. And, before the real football action even started, the transfers so far has whetted the appettite. I for one, can’t wait for the season to begin.  How about you?

Ramblings

I do not know what to type nowadays. It’s like I always have something to share or pen out, but when I open up my wordpress page, the words just fail me. I become a novice blogger all of a sudden. Anyway, I will be looking forward to a new chapter of my life soon. Things will be getting interesting and exciting. Of course, the plus point of being much closer to SY. No more weekend flights back to Seremban where I have to bother my parents. Now, I can spend more time back in Sban over the weekends and also plan for the imminent future. After going through a fair share of trials and tribulations in my life, I think I have come to a point of mellow. I am not sure such a term exists but I would say it’s just taking things at it is, and not get so frustrated over things that are beyond our control.

People say money makes more money, but I believe, knowledge makes money, and then money makes more money. It feels good to be learning something new. To test where my limits and boundaries ah. Yeah, and as Kris Allen and Adam Lambert sung, there shall be ‘No Boundaries’

Of scholarships and the Engrish language…

Every year without fail during the months of April and May, many ‘exam oriented’ brilliant students will be complaining about the non-issuance of the highly prestigious JPA scholarship. All 3 of us, me and my 2 siblings included have failed in the quest to obtain this ‘holy grail’ scholarship due to various reasons. My sister managed to get hers on her THIRD appeal but she opted out in the end. I am glad she turned it down as she is finally happy with the course she is pursuing now. Nothing beats pursuing something of interest than for the sake of a few years of scholarship glory.

I personally think that the awardence of this scholarships should be properly defined. The most important thing is to make sure that these scholars come back to serve the country when they have finish their tenure abroad. I know many people who have just stayed on in foreign soil to earn foreign currency and completely forgot about the roots of their scholarship and this happens across all kinds of recipients, rich, poor, tall, short, dark or fair. That is utter misuse of public funds if these scholars are not made to serve the country. Once again, that is just my humble opinion, not wanting to sound like a sour grape former JPA scholar reject.

After 5 years in my humble university (UTM) and another 3 years working in an MNC, I think I have realized something far more essential than obtaining overseas scholarships. There is no pride in obtaining a scholarship and ‘lie’ through the interview if you do not intend to serve. The chase for paper qualifications is not everything. As you can see, our education system is churning our students/graduates who are severely showing a lack of proficiency in thinking skills and the English language. How many graduates can speak decent English nowadays? They cannot even understand jokes on 30 minute sitcoms, let alone a whole comedy movie. I think the mindset has to be different. It does not make you less chinese if you speak good English or can’t write or speak mandarin. It’s just a choice, probably made by our parents when we were younger.

I’ve been trained from young on the importance of grammar. I was laughed at by my father’s friend when I used the wrong sentence structure when I was 6 and that incident still sticks to my head. It brought great embarassment to my father (my father is a teacher, you see?) Hence, I am pretty quick in assessing people’s sentences in their writing and speech. I do not have a degree in English and I would like to reaffirm that my level of English is somewhat a little above average. The disparity in standard is not due to a group of people who are ‘damn’ good compared to mediocre people, but it’s due to a small group of people who are ‘quite good’ compared to the majority of them whom are atrocious. And I mean atrocious with a capital A.

How can somebody spell fringe as fridge and proudly display it up on their messenger? I mean do you need to go to a hair saloon to trim your refrigerator? And, I know people who spell breakfast as breadfirst. If you don’t think this is bad, I rest my case!

Well Beaten but remember Istanbul?

Ok, we were well and truly beaten. I know who is Ana Ivanovic, but Branislav Ivanovic? Yeah, I knew he was the Chelsea reserve right back, but damn, I didn’t know he could head the ball so well. I don’t think it was due to our zonal marking system, it was just our defence had a bad day in terms of set pieces. Even Pepe wasn’t confident in dealing with the crosses. The Brazilian duo of Aurelio and Lucas were atrocious last night. In all fairness, Chelsea would have scored more if Drogba was more clinical in front of goal. We were just outplayed last night. It’s hard to admit that, but that’s the truth. In my opinion, we were paying for our good form recently. We played Chelsea 5 straight seasons in the Champions League, and yesterday was the first time we set out a team to attack first, instead of keeping it tight. It may have cost us, but that was a sign of the team getting better and playing with confidence. But, the end result just wasn’t good for us. We have to take it by the chin. Yes, our hopes of progressing is hanging in the balance but hey, we scored 3 goals in 6 crazy minutes in Istanbul! I will never give up on them! And, if we do manage to overcome the deficit next week, I wouldn’t be all surprised!

YOU’LL NEVER WALK ALONE!!

Criminal Minds and so much more!

I kinda started watching this series called ‘Criminal Minds’ probably 1-2 months back during the weekends. Season 4 was around the house (thanks to my housemate) and since then, I have been intrigued by it. I am starting with Season 3 and I am still itching for it. There is something about understanding people’s behaviour that pulls me to this show. It’s like the analysis that these agents do makes a lot of sense and every crime has it’s reasons. Finding out the reason that drives people to do despicable things intrigues me. Maybe it lies in my nature of trying to read and understand people. It’s technical in the sense that it revolves around humans and it’s alive. And, I mean the cast may not be famous enough, but they fit into this series perfectly. I mean, there is no star or headliner in the series, the whole theme revolves around working as a team, something which I thoroughly enjoy. Hmmn..maybe I should have done some psychology degree or something. Perhaps, even criminology! That sounds really interesting!

P/S : Liverpool won on Saturday, a well deserved win although it came in injury time thanks to Yossi. But, I am gutted that Man Utd snatched their win right at the dead. In simple terms, they did not deserved it! I am sick and tired of the senile old man already. He hides from interviews when his team loses and gives “hourly” long lectures when his team wins! Pure pathetic soul. I wonder whether he would have given the interview if Villa managed to sneak in the win or even the draw. I respect sportsmanship! And, that is severely lacking in the red half of Manchester. And, I am saying this without bias, of course!

Reflections

I’ve been thinking a lot these few days. I miss SY not being around me when I am working in Penang. Yeah, we have our fair share of ‘discussions’ but I adore this girl. She is feisty and personality personified. I think we’ll be having more discussions when she finishes her studies in about 6 weeks time. I am not too sure why I am feeling so mushy suddenly but I guess having her around constantly will certainly make my day. She is normally known to her friends by her english name, but I love her chinese name. I don’t know why, probably that’s how I knew her in the first place. The admiration from afar so many years back. And even until now, I still pinch myself to make sure I am not living in a dream. As I have always been, I am a realist. No fantasies and far fetched expetations. I’ve learnt more than enough in my life thus far to not take anything for granted. I will always appreciate what I have. It’s pure stupidity to always fathom the perfect scenario. The world is never perfect. As I always tell SY, it’s her imperfections that make her perfect in my eyes.